The Adventures of Cosmo (and the Guardians of the Galaxy)
by zephyrmitchell04
Summary: The Guardians of the Galaxy are back for another crazy adventure. Three years after the events of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the intergalactic misfits are on a journey to get rich, but decide to adopt a mysterious dog named Cosmo. An incredible tale unfolds...


**The Adventures of Cosmo the Space Dog**

(And the Guardians of the Galaxy)

 **Part I- Freak Show 5**

"It was one ordinary day (or night; or none of the above, I don't know) on the Milano for the Guardians of the Galaxy, a group of intergalactic misfits that love to save the galaxy/universe (hah hah) and also screw it up.

The Guardians were heading off to a planet called Freak Show 5, a planet named from his crazy five a day storms that zapped the life out of its planet every day. But it also housed a rare material, known as Glargomite, that they were going to sell to the Collector in exchange for a whole lot of money.

"We are meant to be stopping Thanos and helping people!" Gamora argued.

"Oh come on Gamora, last time we tried that it went to shits real quick!" Peter spat back.

"So we're just going to run away in fear and get money instead?!"

Rocket and Groot walked into the room. They were covered in black burnt crap.

Soon after Drax came through, laughing.

'Hah hah hah I can't believe you fell for that! Hah hah hah hah!..."

"Drax what the hell did you do?" Peter asked.

"They were trying to blow up asteroids with a bomb launcher, and I put my urine in it, and it exploded!"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Rocket growled.

"I AM GROOT!" he yelled.

"Well how about next time ya don't mess around, with frickin bomb launchers! And Drax, stop putting your pee in everything!" Peter said fatherly.

"We're turning around," Gamora muttered.

Peter couldn't believe it.

"Oh my god Gamora! Stop being miss bossy boots all the god damn time! I'm calling the shots!"

"I can't believe you," Gamora stormed off.

(Silence (hah hah))

"So, are we going to Freak Show 5 to get our cash?" Rocket asked more enthusiastically.

"Yeah, but I don't think cash is gonna cut it. We should get a… a…"

"What?" Drax asked.

"DOG!" Peter said like it was a great idea.

"I heard Quill and Gamora making sex noises!" Drax laughed.

"Dude!"

"Okay, everyone shut up. We got work to do. But if we're gettin a dog, its not gonna be that little shit one that growled at me," Rocket bargained.

"Actually, that's exactly the one I was thinking of."

Rocket storms off.

(Silence (hah hah))

"I am Groot."

"Yes Groot. Yes you are."

On the planet, violent blue streaks of cosmic lightning flashed across the sky. The ground was the texture of a volcano, and the colour was a deep grey.

"So here we are. No Gamora, no Drax, just me, Rocket and you, ya little tree."

"What about me?" Mantis peeped behind of them.

"And Mantis."

Rocket pulled out his special harvesting tool, made of a bronze metal. It had two ends on it; one with an intense magnetic attraction and one with a razor sharp blade.

Peter got out a miniaturized version of the Hadron Enforcer, which was going to be used to blast into the ground; the material they were looking for was inside the planets core.

"Okay guys, in approximately five minutes the place is gonna go boom," Quill warned, looking at a timed device kept in his pocket.

"I am Groot," Groot said.

"You're hungry?" Peter asked.

"I am Groot," he nodded in approval.

"Well, you might just have to wait. There's no plantation or wildlife on this planet, so no food," Quill concluded.

Groot stayed silent.

"Okay guys, I gotta be on Gamora with this one. It sounds ridiculously stupid that we're trying to harvest a really rare material to sell to an intergalactic supervillain with ambitions to collect shit that endanger all life instead of saving the universe from Thanos," Peter said.

"Yeah, I suppose it sounds kinda doofish when ya say it like that," Rocket replied.

"But we should leave that shit to all… those super hungry Celestials. We've got work to do," Peter said, rubbing his hands together.

"So is it true that you and Gamora had…"

"Don't say it!"

"S…

Mantis started to grin. Then she looked down in sadness.

'Sex."

"Ha ha ha! She said it. Ha ha ha!"

"Ah guys. The Sovereign are here," Quill looked up to see a fleet of golden spacecrafts hovering from above.

"YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES TO TURN YOURSELF IN UNTIL WE DESTROY THIS ENTIRE PLANET WITH OUR COSMIC BEAM!" Ayesha shouted from the leading ship.

"YES!" the others shouted in approval.

"O… kay," Quill got down on his knees.

Mantis and Groot followed.

"We shouldn't've come here," Quill frowned. "Gamora was right."

He took out his Zune and played "It's the end of the world as we know it".

Peter then got out the Hadron Enforcer and beamed right into the planet, falling down…. Down…. Down…

The planet started to shake violently.

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine," Quill was singing.

He heard the blasting from Rocket's gun and the Sovereigns missiles from above.

"I am Groot!"

He then saw the bright green core of the planet.

"That's the stuff," Quill realized at that moment he needed Rocket to harvest the material.

The storm from above started obliterating the Sovereign ships. But to make matters worse, the teamed up Kree and Chitauri arrived.

"SHIT!" Quill cursed.

'And where not even saving the galaxy,' Quill thought.

He grabbed the Glargomite core, and flashes of light shot out from the core, shooting up the whole Peter made.

"Ouch," Quill muttered, the core obviously being really hot.

"I AM GROOT!" Groot screamed in pain.

Peter felt sorry for Groot. He knew this was his fault entirely.

All of a sudden, a Watcher teleported right next to Peter.

"Hi, big head white eye blue clothing guy," Peter mumbled.

The Watcher lifted a piece of the Glargomite off the core, gave it to Peter, then teleported them back to the ship and blew up Freak Show 5, and all the ships along with it.

But the Watcher didn't teleport back.

He let himself die in his own explosion combined with the powerful destructive storm as a noble sacrifice for no particular reason.

Part II- In the middle of Knowhere

The Glargomite, after a huge battle on Freak Show 5, was claimed by the Guardians. Groot ate a huge carnivorous meal of space cow, while Quill and Gamora gave each other the complete and utter shits.

"You nearly killed everyone trying to get rich!" Gamora yelled.

"Yeah, well, it all worked out well in the end. And now we are gonna get rich. To get more, better weapons to fight Thanos with."

Peter casually moved towards Gamora.

"You know, we can…"

Gamora kicked him in the balls and started to storm off.

"After everything we've been through Peter! Your dad, my sister, Ronan, the Sovereign, the Kree, the Ravagers, and you've learnt nothing!" Gamora shouted viciously.

"Hey, I've learnt one thing, all you ever fill my head with is with cement!" was his brilliant comeback.

But by the time he said that, she was gone.

Groot appeared through the doorway, admiring the beautiful piece of Glargomite sitting on Quill's table.

He reached for it, before Quill stopped him.

"Hey Groot! Stop it! A big head guy killed himself to get that for us."

"I am Groot."

"How was your space cow?"

"I am Groot!" Groot shouted excitedly. Rocket came to join them.

After a few days, Knowhere was close by, and the giant Celestial head was looking uglier than ever.

"So, we're gonna trade in our sweg and get nice and rich," Rocket said.

Howard the Duck was floating around in space.

"They say you're out of luck, until you go duck."

"I am Groot."

"Yeah that's right Groot. What a load of crap," Rocket answered.

The Milano entered Knowhere through the open passageway where numerous other ships were entering through.

"We haven't been here in ages!" Quill grinned.

"I love this place! We get to watch lizards die!" Drax exclaimed happily.

"Um, actually, I think they removed the lizard racing betting thing and replaced it with a classroom for children," Peter replied.

(Silence (hah hah))

"I am Groot," Groot frowned.

They parked their ship next to a cool yellow and black ship; the coolest one there, and hopped out onto the long pathway that eventually led to the Collector's Museum.

"I cannot believe we are here again, with the biggest idiots in the whole galaxy," Gamora muttered, until she realized the other Guardians had gotten into a fight with the owners of the other ship.

"Our ship is better than yours. You have no right to park it next to ours," a green, slimy man with three eyes and scales said.

"Oh yeah, well I think our ship is better than yours. You know, where the Guardians of the Galaxy, the best intergalactic universal threat fighting team of misfits in the whole universe. With a talking tree, the best assassin in the whole universe, and a green murderous psychopath with red tattoos, we're better than you in every way," Rocket shouted.

'God they're not even drunk yet and their already acting like it," Gamora thought.

The three men behind the green three-eyed dude stared at Gamora who was behind them.

"Hey! Stop staring at her! She's mine!" Peter exclaimed.

Gamora walked off in frustration, as did the others.

The four of them scowled at the Guardians.

After a long time waiting, Carina 57869.0 came out to get them.

"I've come to fetch you for my master," she said.

They walked into the Museum, a bizarre land full of incredible wonders; specimens of alien civilisations, rare beautiful artefacts, and wooden chairs that had no purpose but to sit there.

"Hello, Guardians of the Galaxy. You have come with the Glargomite?" the Collector asked with assumption.

"Um, yes," Quill replied, taking it out of his pocket and dropping it onto the floor, before picking it up and handing it to him.

"Thank you," he told them, shoving it into his mouth.

(Silence (hah hah))

Even Rocket was surprised then.

"The Celestials created us, and the Glargomite to feed us. I need a regular supply of Glargomite to retain my immortality," the Collector explained.

"Oh yeah, it turns out I'm half Celestial. My dad was a living planet and a complete asshole," Quill explained to the Collector.

"Oh my… that is rather impressive."

"Okay, so where's our big ones?" Rocket asked.

"1 million units each," the Collector remembered.

"And the dog. That one in the glass cage. We want to adopt him," Quill pointed.

The Collector stumbled for a moment, gave Carina 57869.0 the 'what the fuck' look, then turned back with a definite answer.

"I'm afraid not," he said. "The dog is… special… to me."

"Great. Now can we just leave with the…"

Mantis had shoved her face onto a glass cage full of her species in their larvae stage. They were small, and bug like in appearance.

"I want one!" Mantis cheerfully requested.

The Collector walked to his draw, and gathered the units.

"6 million units, one million each."

He dealt the money like a pack of cards in front of them, waving it in their face.

"We're not leaving without the dog," Peter declared.

"Hey I don't even want the dog," Rocket said convincingly. "I just want the money."

By the time Rocket finished the sentence, Mantis had smashed the cage of bugs and Groot and Peter had stolen the dog.

Gamora started at them running off, a stern expression on her face.

"I thought you were meant to be stopping Thanos," the Collector muttered.

"Well, these idiots would rather run around the place, getting themselves killed for money," Gamora replied.

Gamora started to walk off.

"Don't worry. Just leave it to Galactus and those super hungry Celestials. And also, the dogs name is Cosmo."

Gamora left with the others.

"Hell, I may as well just unleash the Aether," he walked towards a golden crate with red energy inside of it.

"It took me three years to rebuild this place, so it'll take me another three years to rebuild it again. Yes I have found meaning!"

He unleashed it and let it consume Knowhere.

The Guardians just in time hopped in the ship, and despite the distraction of their stupid bickering, managed to get off the planet in time before the planet died.

It also happened to destroy all the Sovereign, Kree, Chitauri, Ravagers and Sakaarans in the area.

 **Part 3- Cosmo Fun**

The Guardians, excluding Rocket, each took turns of petting the adorable space suited dog, who in turn gave them loving licks.

After that, Cosmo started to explore around the ship by himself. He ran into Rocket a couple of times who was busy at work building a nuke, and growled him off.

It looked like everyone had forgotten about him already. He was safe to talk to himself now.

"Gees they're all assholes. They've patted me once each, and other than that nothing! The fucking Collector was better than this."

He rolled over on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"I'm such an adorable dog, and no one is loving me."

Then all of a sudden Mantis, followed by Groot arrived.

Groot made a stick and threw it for him, making him very happy.

"He's so cute!" Mantis expressed.

"I am Groot," Groot agreed.

"Finally someone gets me!" Cosmo exclaimed aloud.

"He can talk!" Mantis said in shock.

Drax came walking down the hallway, but Cosmo bit him.

"You feral beast! He yah!" he summoned his clean, sharp knife and was about to attack Cosmo, when Groot came, lodged an extendable tree branch into his back, and pulled him towards a behind wall.

Cosmo had soft, smooth, short brown fur, cute, large eyes with black pupils, and floppy, curly ears. He also had a tail that looked like an erect penis.

"The dog has a penis tail!" Drax laughed in amusement, soon joined by Mantis.

"Stop making fun of me! I can't believe fucking Quill! Adopting me and then not spending any time with me!"

Quill heard the dog from outside of his bedroom, where he was listening to "Animal" by Pearl Jam on his Zune, and came out to see what all the fuss was about.

He walked down the hallway to the source of the noise, but they were gone.

Gamora also came out to see what all the fuss was about. But she too noticed they were gone.

They met at either end of the hallway.

"Where are they?" Quill asked.

"I don't know!" Gamora replied.

"I don't really trust an angry raccoon, a prey mantis, a murderous green guy and a talking tree with a dog!" he said doubtfully.

"God Peter we just bought this dog, which was your idea, and he's already gone!"

They searched everywhere; the cockpit, the engine, even in the space around the ship, and they were knowhere to be found.

But then they realized; the miniature ship attached to the back of the Milano! They rushed to where it normally was, only to find that it wasn't there!

"Well, thank god I put a tracking device on it," Peter pulled out a device from his pocket.

"How could we lose them?" Gamora wondered.

Rocket, Groot, Drax, Mantis and Cosmo had travelled to Zariah, a dessert like planet with green sand and bright orange skies. It was the nearest planet to the Milano.

As soon as they landed, Cosmo and Groot ran off, and the latter throw a stick for him. Drax and Rocket had a sand fight, while Mantis happily stared at Groot and Mantis playing.

"Cosmo is very cute," she said admirably to no one.

Hours had passed. Rocket and Drax decided to have a break from their sand fight. Rocket pulled out a bomb from his pocket, ran off to the nearest cliff, activated it, and threw it off.

He watched as it detonated halfway down the 6 kilometre fall, making the sand around it crumble.

Groot and Cosmo were still playing relentlessly.

"Fucking Groot is such a good player. All the others are fucking morons," Cosmo quietly muttered, hoping no one would hear.

"I am Groot."

"I am Groot," Cosmo mimicked.

All of a sudden, a giant Celestial and a Watcher arrived.

As soon as Cosmo saw them, he yelled "My fucking parents have come back for me!"

"Now son, who are these new friends you have made?" the Watcher asked, and automatically everyone turned around to see the Celestial and the Watcher.

"I think they're called the Morons of the Sector," Cosmo jokingly answered.

Cosmo and Rocket exchanged their 51st growl.

The Guardians could not believe anything they had seen.

"Now, now Cosmo lets be nice. We have spent millennia trying to find you," the Watcher explained. "Only now could we sense you."

"Alright, lets start from the beginning. So you guys are Cosmo's parents," Rocket said assumedly.

"Yes. Millions of years ago the Celestials and the Watchers were at war with each other over who were the better gods. Me and this Watcher here were the first to truce and mate. We decided to use an Infinity Stone to meld our creation into a…" the Celestial began.

"Dog!" Drax exclaimed.

"But he decided to run off and explore the universe. It was only a couple of thousands of years ago that we decided to find him, and then well, you guys have beaten us," the Celestial continued.

"I think all of you are idiots. I think I'd like to be an orphan."

"Now, now Cosmo. You don't want to be Annie, do you?"

"I love Annie. Because there's a dog in it. Named Rocky."

"No that is Sylvester Stallone. He is a boxer and a Ravager."

"Fine then I like Star Fight. Or Star Fleet. Or whatever the fuck it is called."

And at the worst time, the Kree, Chitauri, Sovereign and Sakaarans appeared with an army of Celestials and… the Milano!

With Star-Lord and Gamora!

"Yay," Rocket said sarcastically.

"Who are they?" the Watcher asked.

"They're the jackasses that have been hunting us for years," Rocket explained.

The Guardians rushed back to the ship and joined the fight. Not only were they against them, they were all against each other!

"We can really jack up our price when we're two time planet destroyers!" Rocket laughed.

"I am Groot."

Rocket rushed into the cockpit, and Cosmo decided to sit in the seat next to Rocket and obliterate the decorations on the dashboard.

"Hey!" Rocket yelled angrily.

And so, a huge battle emerged.

Into space, across numerous sectors. Ships fell, lasers blasted in all directions. But what's important to know is that in that battle, everyone fell.

Except for the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Zariah got destroyed by the Sovereigns cosmic beam, and the Watcher (Cosmo's mother) sacrificed herself for no particular reason.

All the Celestials were destroyed. The Sovereign, Kree, Chitauri and Sakaarans were destroyed. It was an incredible battle, but an extremely violent one."

"And that, my friends, is a Guardians of the Galaxy story," Stan Lee read from the final pages of his book.

"Where did you show up," one of the Watchers asked.

"Well, I…. didn't."

 **THE END!**


End file.
